As a Parent, Learn As You Go

Folks, I’m very excited Patch has given me a column. I’m not sure what they were thinking, but my mom told me to “never look a gift horse in the mouth”.

Some of you know me as the Hoboken blogger, Grafix Avenger.  Sure, blogging is what I do, but a mom is what I am. This column will be devoted to what I’ve learned at this extraordinary experiment called parenting.   

Now, everything I know about parenting could fit on the head of a pin. It’s a learn-as-you-go process, and your child reaps the benefits of your experimentation. 

If this doesn’t work then try that. If that doesn’t work, try the other thing.

You’ll eventually get it right. See? Anyone could do it.

So, I thought I’d start off with a parenting tip. And even if you're not a parent, I'll bet you had one. 

My Hoboken home is 12 feet wide with a yard big enough for a grill. I once was an elite hula hoop star and made the national team. I’m so busy, I only have time to sleep 27 minutes a week. I'm exhausted.

So you wonder, do I know more about raising kids than you? Absolutely not. And that's exactly my first tip.

While fascinating to hear what others do and how they live, there is no one-size-fits all "business plan" for any child; what works for mine may put yours on a therapist’s couch. In fact, it probably will.  

So by all means, don’t take advice from anyone—including those who razzle-dazzle you with their self-certainty and efficiency—without first measuring it against your values, common sense and your child’s own unique set of qualities.   

I’ll give you an example.

When my daughter was in kindergarten, she’d zip right past me at recess with barely a ‘hello’, into the Wallace school’s playground.   After being locked up for 6 hours, kids need to get their ya-ya’s out. 

So I’d chat with the other Wallace School mommies for the afternoon while she played and played and played… until we were (often) the last ones left. Then Bob, the Security Guard, would "suggest" we go home so he could lock the gate. (Did you know Bob’s a cat-lover? A subscriber to Cat Fancy magazine and the "pop" of a gorgeous Russian Blue named Shadow)  

Well, there were those days when we needed to leave before her ya-ya’s were spent. Have you ever tried to remove a 5-year-old with intact ya-yas from a playground? Oh, my goodness. Coaxing, cajoling, warnings, threats were ineffective against her unspent ya-ya’s.   

So what worked? 

Change. A nickel, sometimes a dime for her and her friends, everyone got paid. It worked beautifully.

Now, would I advise you to pay your kids to leave the playground?  Certainly not. They might start charging you for homework assignments and room-cleaning. But fortunately that didn’t happen at my house.   

We do cash for "special" chores, an allowance if you will. I’m not a believer in a weekly, unconditional allowance. If your kid is lazy and insolent, then don't pay him a dime. I subscribe to the notion of merit pay, not entitlement.   

Guess what? Those seeds of a work ethic have blossomed into a healthy, entrepreneurial spirit. Lemonade stands, bake sales, yard sales. One sale raised 30 dollars for Haiti earthquake relief.    

So, to each his or her own. Served with love and patience.