I’ve written before that there are plenty of great date spots in Hoboken, but I didn’t cover too much about getting sloshed and spilling all sorts of weird stories to your date. I had to save that for this week’s column, apparently.

My gentleman caller and I found ourselves at dinner at the new Grimaldi’s on Washington Street on a lovely mild evening, so we sipped wine at a table outside (look out for a column very soon about the best outdoor drinking spots). Afterwards, I wanted to find a classy bar, but one not cloyingly so. I remembered that I had stopped by The Turtle Club around Valentine’s Day on my search for the perfect bar to get all single and ready to mingle. It seemed nice enough, so I thought, why not? If it is apparently good enough for The Situation to hold his after-party at, then it is definitely good enough for me (and my much higher taste level).

We arrived around 9 p.m. to find the bar itself rather busy, and most of the tables full. Now, I like The Turtle Club, despite its weird name, for the exposed brick and rustic wood paneling, the candlelit atmosphere and the fact that it is a bit off the beaten path at 10th and Park (yeah, my date’s got legs, what?).

According to their website, The Turtle Club was derived from a social club that began in 1796, counting Alexander Hamilton, Aaron Burr and John Jay as members. Today, it is a bar where you can get fancy appetizers and mixed drinks and catch a sports game.

We sat at the bar and ordered: my date had a gin and tonic and I had the Elki sauvignon blanc, which was the house special at $8 a glass. I actually know nothing about wines, so I said, “Yes, sure, that one please.”

I was trying to look classy. Was it working? No, it was not.

Anyway, like I said, the bar was a bit crowded for a weekday evening. The bar was running a special on half price dinner orders and it was the final game of the NCAA championship, so I suppose it would have been busy either way. 

In between me not understanding the appeal of college basketball (spoiler alert: I eventually get it!) and becoming obsessed with the random couple behind us who are so obviously on their first (internet?) date, I order a few more glasses of wine.

The bar’s soundtrack is Death Cab for Cutie, TV On The Radio, Coldplay, Radiohead… you know, mostly chill alternative rock-type stuff. It was non-offensive, and I was actually just psyched not to hear techno blaring as some weird dude in a popped collar polo starts fist-pumping and sloshing his Natty Ice all over the place.

“Do you want to get some bro-tini’s?” asked my date. I nodded effusively, and knew right then he was a keeper (plus he admitted to loving Hoboken).

The bartender came by again, and, a little tipsy, we both made non-committal shrugs to ordering more. Luckily, she brought us drinks anyway.

With about half a bottle of wine in me now, I decide that The Turtle Club is a pretty good spot. Yes, it’s a fun place even if you are entertaining someone from Brooklyn, where all of the bars look like weirdo colonial houses and rustic barns with muddled blackberry drinks made from someone’s grandmother’s secret Norwegian recipe. But at The Turtle Club, there’s no weird DJ spinning Hot 97 tracks with extra airhorn sound effects, and the bartenders are all very attentive, nice, and not at all pushy. The patrons (at least on this particular night) were all twenty- or thirty-somethings with careers and apartments and an adult wardrobe. Although I didn’t get the chance to try any (I would have been on the floor), the cocktail menu sounds appealing and interesting. There was literally nothing that made me cringe (besides the couple on their first date), so I’d have to say it was a win of a night.

I’ll give The Turtle Club eight out of ten frosty mugs, for it’s warm décor and non-judgemental attitude towards my lack of knowledge about wines. I’m sure the popped collar crew invades every weekend and the stench of self-tanner is in the air, but I’m sure if you’ve come this far, you’ve realized that this column is not for those looking to hook up with a stranger at 2 a.m. outside of Johnny Rockets. This column is for classy people who only just make out inside of the PATH station. There is a difference, okay?

936 Park Avenue; (201) 710-5960. Visit hobokenturtleclub.com for up-to-date information on events.

The Bar Hopper is a sometimes tongue-in-cheek look at Hoboken's abundant bar scene. The views expressed in these reviews are half-sloshed, and do not reflect the overall views of Patch.