Cake Boss Recap: The Valastro Family is Back

Los Angeles has The Hills, the beaches of Belmar has Jersey Shore, and for a couple of seasons now our fair hamlet has achieved reality programming notoriety thanks to Cake Boss.

Last night's season three premiere had pastry hero Buddy Valastro working hard to simultaneously please the three most important things in his life.

Recipe for disaster and disappointment? Here's how it all went down. 

When the matriarch of a family has an announcement to make, it's rarely because of good news. And in CB's case, it's even worse: Mama is retiring! (Cue shocked Italian faces.) Buddy decides to make Mama a cake? If a fireman were retiring would it be a good idea to make one last fire for him to put out?

And then an even bigger announcement! Buddy has been personally asked to make a cake for Gov. Chris Christie's inauguration. Buddy, like most reality-tv-famous Jersey cake makers would be, is thrilled and is quickly on top of making it all come together. The cake will be a blueberry masterpiece, atop of which are all things Jersey is famous for. We're looking at a lighthouse (to represent the shore), vegetables (we are after all the Garden State), Carlo's bakery and, of course, a fist pumping club go-er (who, to be honest, might be a little upset that his eyebrows are looking on the thick side).

We now enter the Valastro home where we are greeted with Buddy's wife, Lisa, and their two children. Conversation quickly goes to her upcoming 30th birthday. He wants something big; she doesn't. Apparently, he was looking at something not quite larger than life, but life-sized: a cake sculpture of Lisa. After consulting with his cohorts back at the bakery, Buddy decides that everyone can buy their wives any old present, but only the CB can make a wife cake. Those are good words to live by. Do what you know, Buddy.

It was also announced (seriously, I feel a PSA coming on) that, in an effort to motivate and inspire the staff, Buddy will be picking an Employee of the Month. This dedicated cakester will win a photo plaque and awarded a surprise (Will it be a cake sculpture, because that'd be awesome. Maybe the winner can send that to work instead).

Enter ominous looking boy with curled moustache who goes by the name Rob. Rob is looking for employment at the bakery. Rob is asking Buddy for Buddy. I'm pretty sure Rob knows who Buddy is and the faux inquiry is not just odd but annoying. Rob slips and says he's here to audition for a position/role at an unscripted show on TLC. The staff thinks he looks like someone from a freak show. Rob reveals he has in fact worked a traveling sideshow. For his audition, Rob is asked to make a dinosaur cake fixture. Buddy is impressed. Freak show is hired; Buddy shows the world that he is an equal opportunity employer.

Drama: the liqueur that is absolutely necessary for Mama's crème puff cake is not available. Buddy is angry. The cake must be perfect, but without the liqueur perfection seems but a pipe dream, and for some members of the staff, so is that Employee of the Mont trophy.

Crisis averted. The team is able to concoct their own liqueur for the cake.

Buddy is really hard at work this week, folks, making a cake for his mom, his wife and New Jersey: the three most important things in his life (sorry, kids!). 

Rob has been granted the unenviable task of making Lisa's head for the wife cake. Buddy warns that if the cake head doesn't match Lisa's real head, it'll be Rob's head (so witty our CB). Rob has photos of Lisa to reference so he should be all set. It turns out photos are not quite enough; because Buddy thinks the cake head looks like a man. A man, baby!

The wife cake is currently bald. Even real people with a bald head and no discernable features all look like men. That is no concern for our CB. He will uncurl Rob's moustache if he doesn't get it right. I really hope this is what happens.

Alas, they're able to rectify the situation. And Rob won't get his moustache uncurled. Maybe Lisa will be really grossed out with the cake and the moustache-pulling can still commence.

Buddy creates a fondant dress for his wife cake. He's very impressed with his couture making and likens the whole thing to Valentino. Perhaps a future in fashion is on the horizon. He will however need to cut back on the cake. Mary is not impressed and calls cake wife a senior citizen. This gets her a trip downstairs with the EoM award inching farther away. Buddy goes back to work and decides that like any Jersey girl, there needs to be bling on his wife cake. 

Then it's time for Mama retirement party! She is so effervescent and announces her own entrance with "Hi everyone! Mama's here." She needs to stay. And she didn't look all to thrilled with that crème puff cake.

The NJ cake is huge and includes everything Buddy has to say about his home state. The cake certainly looks like Jersey, but does it smell like Jersey? That's the true test here. Gov. Christie sees the cake, and he is quite pleased, but I suspect he'll be less pleased when he sees that Lisa was made a life size cake of herself.

Employee of the Month is revealed. And it's … Buddy. You tricked us, CB. You sure did, because I didn't think the employer could be the winner of an award that he is giving out. It's like Tyra Banks being the winner of America's Next Top Model every season.

The wife cake is being brought to the party venue, and it's carrying a bouquet. Why? It looks like she's going to a wedding. At Lisa's fete, we find out Lisa's actually been wanting Buddy to make a cake of her. And now she has one. She's shocked. Elated. Dumbfounded. She even asked Buddy if he made the wife cake himself. Lady, who else would make it?

Alas, we won't be seeing Rob get his moustache uncurled this week. Maybe next.